Five ways I’m navigating “the midlife crisis”
The other night I ripped open a box of “Cup of Calm” herbal tea in a fit of impatience. I had picked it up that afternoon, drawn to the promise on the side of the package that it would “bring some tranquility to my day.”
I took a photo of the mangled box and texted it to a few girlfriends, with the message: “This is what happens when you try to open a box of tea before you’ve had your ‘cup of calm.’”
I knew my girlfriends would totally get it. And that it would make them laugh. We’re all somewhere in our 40s. And although I wouldn’t say that any of us are experiencing a full-blown crisis, we’re definitely standing chest-deep in the sloshing waters of midlife.
It’s an interesting time. We’ve all been married nearly two decades and have survived the early parenthood years. As we watch our kids, one by one, cross the great-divide between adolescence and teenhood, we’re filled with a mixture of nostalgia, anxiety, and disbelief. How did we get here?
On a day-to-day basis, we’re operating at maximum capacity, both physically and mentally. Most of us work full- or part-time jobs, while we accumulate a ridiculous amount of unpaid overtime at home. From minute to minute, we reinvent ourselves to accommodate our diverse roles as mother, wife, colleague, friend, housekeeper, cook, property manager, carpool driver, pet walker, and family psychologist.
That’s a lot of responsibility for someone who’s on the verge of an emotional breakdown about two weeks out of every month. We’re sliding down the backside of our childbearing years and have just begun the steep climb to menopause. Our hormones are all out of whack.
That poor, unsuspecting box of tea
The box of tea could have been anything. It could have been the dog, covered in mud, who jumped in the backseat of the car. Or the kid who left a trail of clothes between the bathroom and the bedroom. Or the husband who neglected to empty the dishwasher before heading to work.
It was simply the final straw. And I ripped into it.
There was nothing particularly wrong on the evening that I destroyed the box. In fact, if you had asked me at the time to rate how I was feeling on a scale of 1 to 10 (10 being best), I probably would have given myself a “9.”
But even on my best days, I’ll admit that there’s an underlying tension that comes and goes. For me, it’s the minutia. The hundreds of little things that have to be done, day after day, to make sure everyone’s needs are met. The planning, problem-solving, schlepping, policing, reminding …. It’s trying to wear three or more hats at once and feeling like I’m not fulfilling any of my roles very well.
I live in the Bermuda Triangle of “want/need/should.” I want to finish writing this article. I need to pick my daughter up from soccer practice. I should go grocery shopping or there will be nothing for dinner, or breakfast, or lunch.
No matter how well I plan, or how well-intentioned I am … something always gets sacrificed. If I finish the work project, then the laundry piles up. If I attend the meeting at school, then dinner doesn’t get made. If I go to the gym, then the dog doesn’t get walked. And so on …
Whenever I do one thing, I feel guilty for not doing the other. And I feel especially terrible when I opt for a “want” at the expense of a “need.”
So what’s the solution? There are hundreds of them. My friends tell me they’re exhausted by all of the things they “should” be doing. Eating clean, doing yoga, meditating, even smiling when they don’t feel like it. In our self-help world, there are endless tips and methods to improve your life. And by the time you’re in your 40s, you’ve read every single one of them, at least 500 times.
The backstory: Who we are and what we face
This morning one of the friends who received my “tea-box text” sent me a link to an article entitled “The New Midlife Crisis.” I was intrigued. The article, written by a woman our age, is a comprehensive look at how Gen X women, born between 1965 and 1984, are dealing with midlife.
According to the article: Not very well.
Gen X women today are under an enormous amount of stress.
In a time of rising costs of living and disappearing social security, most of us are worried about finances: How will we ever afford to retire, let alone put our kids through college or be there for our parents as they age into their projected 80s and 90s?
And so we hang on to jobs we’re unhappy in, while juggling the unrelenting demands of work and family life.
As parents we’re faced with escalating special-needs diagnoses, from life-threatening allergies to Autism Spectrum Disorder to dyslexia and so on. We fight the daily battle of the screen, trying to keep our kids from falling prey to one form of addiction or another. And every day we send our children off to school with that dangling fear in the back of our mind: Will they be safe? From bullying to guns to drugs, the threats are both real and unforgiving.
And at this midway point in our lives, we’re forced to face-up to the things we wished had been different. Marriages and careers may come and go. But for some things in life, there are no “do-overs.” The door to motherhood, for example, eventually swings shut. And this becomes painfully clear at some point in our 40s.
Here we are at the threshold of menopause, and there’s nothing we can do to reverse whatever came before. Our hearts break for ourselves or others who wanted more out of the childbearing years. We’ve all been touched, either directly or vicariously, by the cruel hand of miscarriage and infertility.
The article went on to list about 10 other reasons why women our age struggle: The comparison and self-perfection traps exacerbated by social media. Marriages that have fallen flat due to resentment and anger, and the unfortunate consequences of affairs and divorce. Career dead-ends with no way out but out. Unrealistic expectations of youth that have become unfulfilled dreams of mid-life.
And raging hormones, which are very, very real. Many women today are experiencing perimenopause 10 years too early due to unmanaged stress and the push-back on hormone replacement therapy.
Yes, but …
As I nodded my way through the article, detailing the plight of Gen X women, I kept thinking, “Yes, but …”
It’s not all bad.
First of all, I totally get it. I destroyed a helpless box of tea. I’m not going to attempt to put a superficial positive spin on a difficult reality.
But I have great faith in Gen X women. Research shows that we are “independent, resourceful, and self-sufficient.” We’re also flexible. All of these characteristics will serve us well as we turn the Midlife Crisis on its head.
Because I think we can.
We might not be able to change our circumstances. The challenges we face are real. But we can use our discomfort as a catalyst for personal growth. To decide who we are now and what matters.
The pangs of midlife are a signal that it’s time to go deeper. To experience our life more fully. To return to our true self.
We can hang our heads, stomp our feet, or move forward. We can look at this chapter in life as something to “get through,” or we can use it as a pivot point. An opportunity for transformation.
Here’s what I’ve learned so far — and what I really love — about being in my 40s:
Cherishing my (good) friendships
I have a friend who tells me that “The 40s are the best.” She hasn’t been immune to the struggles listed above. But, on most days, she’ll say that she feels more beautiful, fulfilled, and at-peace than ever before.
Whenever I spend time with this friend, I feel energized and excited about life. Sure, we can spend hours talking through our problems. But she has an optimistic worldview, and she helps me look for ways to turn whatever is happening into something good.
I try to get as much exposure to this friend as possible. For me, this is one of the highlights of midlife: I know what lifts me up and what drags me down. And I choose to fill my life with the former.
I’ve also learned not to take anything for granted. I know that nothing in life is guaranteed, and that circumstances are always changing. So I’m careful about where I invest my time and energy.
To that end: longtime relationships come first. Just a couple of weeks ago I spent a weekend with five close friends. We united during the “playgroup” phase of motherhood and have managed to keep our friendship alive over the years. I feel deeply blessed to have these women in my life. When I was in my 20s, I might have taken these friendships for granted. But not now.
More than any other time in my life, I cherish the company I keep on this shared journey. Each of our life stories is unique; none of the details are the same. And yet, where we are in the process binds us together.
We can laugh at ourselves and muse at our shared plight. Nothing really surprises us. So you threw your son’s iphone into the snowbank? You went for a walk at midnight to clear your head?
Reconnecting with my inner self
After 15 years of putting everyone’s needs first, I’ve decided that it’s time for some self-nurturing. Up until now I haven’t taken the time to figure out what that means. I’ve been doing all of the conventional “me-time” things, but not really investing in the process of rediscovering myself as a 40-something year-old woman.
So I’m circling back. I’m rediscovering interests that I abandoned during my younger years. Slowly peeling back the layers to reveal the truer me. For me this means a return to my creative self. Writing poetry, trying out for a play, singing in the shower. It also means spending more time alone and trying not to feel guilty about it.
Because when I don’t make time for myself, everyone pays.
Take the tea-box incident. I’ve discovered that I rip open tea boxes (and experience other short-tempered moments) when I’m not listening to myself.
Learning to tune in to my inner voice has been empowering. Every time I start to feel that current of tension swell beneath the surface, I stop and think: What do I need to attend to? Maybe I needed to write today and I didn’t. Maybe I needed to take a long walk to relax my mind.
The stress I feel is probably less about the dirty dishes and more about what I didn’t do for me.
Embracing what is
If we haven’t learned it thus far, midlife reinforces the importance of being able to adapt, change, and let go. And to realize that, since we can’t tell the future, we don’t always know what’s best for us. The way things turned out, even if it didn’t go according to plan, may have been for our own good.
Over the past four decades, I’ve experienced loss and regret and disappointment. I’ve had to turn my back on unfulfilled dreams and been left to wonder “What if I had just done that one thing differently?” Some past hopes I’ve had to package up and send on their way. Some future aspirations I’ve begun to second-guess.
I’ve also known moments of incredible joy. I’ve sat around a table and laughed with good friends. I’ve jumped into mountain lakes and skied across frozen meadows. I’ve written a few things that I’m proud of and learned how to knit. Life is full. Life is rich. And yes, it’s always changing.
I’m finding that as I get closer to my authentic self, I’m better able to re-evaluate my dreams and decide what still fits and what doesn’t. What I’m willing to let go of and what I’m not. And then I’m going after those persistent dreams with renewed gusto. Because in my mid-40s, this question finally resonates: If not now, then when?
Redefining my idea of beauty
What women my age seem to struggle with the most are the physical changes we can’t control. We’re all suddenly quite enamored of our younger, less wrinkly, self.
My idea of beauty has changed over the years, thank goodness. I’ve been fortunate to know so many striking women who are well beyond their 60th birthday. Their beauty is hard to describe, but it’s very real; it shines through their eyes. You can feel it when they walk in the room. They have a sense of purpose. They’re passionate, vibrant, and engaged. They aren’t fixated on their age, and in that way, they’ve become ageless.
Of course, we’re all victims of a youth-obsessed culture, and it’s hard not to scrutinize the signs of aging as they come … always unannounced. I can feel discouraged when I look in the mirror — the sunspots, the grey hair, the crinkles around my eyes. But I find that the more energy I devote to nurturing my inner self, the less I worry about the changes in my outer layer.
Envisioning new possibilities
As I get further down this road of self-discovery, I’m finding that my identity is less dependent on the roles I play. That doesn’t mean I’ve stopped balancing hats on my head; it just means that I know they’re just hats. They aren’t who I am.
This is either convenient timing or good planning, or both, for the biggest transition that awaits me in the near-term: the empty nest. Within the next handful of years, I won’t be running around, picking up and dropping off. I won’t be grocery-shopping for a houseful of teenagers, signing kids up for sports teams, or doing three loads of laundry every day.
But I’m realizing that, as much as I know I’ll miss these years, letting them go will allow other parts of my life to blossom.
I’ll have more of myself to give. More opportunities to pursue my own interests. More time for friendships and personal goals.
This is part of the “opening up” that is available to us during this pivotal time of life.
The trap of middle-age is getting hung-up on what used to be, what could have been, or why change is bad. It’s throwing ourselves so utterly and completely into the demands of work and family life that we don’t reserve enough time for ourselves. For the important process of going deeper and rediscovering the “me” we left behind.
Midlife, when we embrace it, is about clearer priorities, self-appreciation, deepening relationships, perspective, and acceptance.
Instead of focusing on the downsides of aging, we can dare to offer a different viewpoint. And we can align ourselves with other resilient Gen X women who are doing the same.
Midlife doesn’t have to be a crisis. It can be cathartic. A golden opportunity to stand, with poise and confidence, in front of the great evolving canvas of life and ask ourselves, “What now?”